The Golden Bachelor: Emperor Edition

Episode 1: The Emperor of Mankind’s Grand Entrance
The women have arrived on Terra, all from our familiar 21st-century Earth. They range from middle-aged professionals to young retirees, each of them slightly dazed to find themselves in a reality show that takes place… on a dark, gothic throne world. As the golden doors to the throne room swing open, they finally see him—the Emperor of Mankind, seated immobile on the Golden Throne, his eyes a blazing halo of psychic energy.

He speaks, his voice both grand and unsettlingly intimate: “I have chosen you, for within each of you lies a spark of what makes humanity worth protecting.” There’s a long silence until Denise, a former elementary school teacher, whispers, “...he’s intense.” They all nod.

Episode 2: The First Group Date
The first group date takes place in the throne room itself, where the Emperor (still on his Throne) has been outfitted with a microphone and a set of psychic tarot cards. Each woman steps forward, and he pulls a card while psychically interpreting their innermost desires. Cindy, a dog groomer, has hers read first, and her card is The Emperor. “You seek authority in your life,” he intones. “But to lead is to sacrifice.” Cindy, a little starstruck, replies, “Sure, yeah, I like, I mean, responsibility is… cool.”

The readings continue, with the Emperor offering each woman a blend of life advice and thinly veiled metaphysical truths. By the end, each contestant is both charmed and a bit terrified of the mystique surrounding this ancient being.

Episode 3: Solo Date with Linda
Linda, a retired baker, wins the first solo date and is immediately teleported onto a balcony overlooking the world from atop the Imperial Palace. There, she sits across from the Emperor (or rather, his astral projection), and they discuss… bread. Linda talks about her career in baking, explaining how she made a family business out of it. “You create sustenance for your people,” he says, nodding in approval. “This is a noble task.” They share a surreal moment as she describes baking sourdough, and he counters with tales of humanity’s history with grain cultivation on Terra, his tone almost reverent. Linda returns from the date a bit shell-shocked, but she can’t stop talking about the "softness" hidden in his stern demeanor.

Episode 5: The Family Test
To give the women an idea of what it’s like to live in the Imperium, several of the Emperor’s “sons” are brought in to meet the contestants. Roboute Guilliman, Magnus the Red, and Fulgrim appear, each reacting very differently to the unprepared women. Roboute is polite and organized, greeting each woman with a formal handshake and inquiring about their hobbies, jotting down notes on a data slate. Magnus tries to read their minds, but when Karen, an accountant, asks him to “not get too personal,” he immediately stops, sheepishly apologizing. Fulgrim, meanwhile, is in full charm mode, bringing each contestant a rose and laying on compliments so thick that the women later question if he’s even real. Afterward, the women agree it’s like being grilled by a mix of motivational speakers and a telepathic therapist.

Episode 7: The Cultural Exchange
The Emperor wants to better understand Earth culture, so each contestant is asked to prepare a “cultural presentation.” Jennifer, a former Broadway actress, teaches him about musical theater. “In our world, expressing oneself through song is normal,” she explains, singing a bit of My Fair Lady. The Emperor listens attentively, as if analyzing the very concept of music itself. “Fascinating,” he says solemnly. “Perhaps there is more to your world than I imagined.”

Other contestants follow with presentations on cooking, modern architecture, and meditation. By the end of the night, the Emperor has gathered strange insights into human life—beyond war, conquest, and duty—and it seems he’s genuinely intrigued.

Episode 10: The Final Rose
It’s down to two: Linda the baker and Jennifer the Broadway actress. The two women stand in the throne room, awaiting his decision. “For millennia, I have devoted myself to the survival of mankind,” he declares. “Yet in this time with you, I have come to see that humanity is more than duty. It is joy, curiosity… companionship.”

He gives the final rose to Linda, drawn to her warmth and her devotion to her craft. She steps forward, taking it with reverence, and promises to share all she has with him. Jennifer is gracious in her farewell, even singing a short goodbye tune that echoes through the throne room as she departs.

Linda and the Emperor share a quiet moment, a beginning for both of them. She finds a way to keep him company in his endless vigil, teaching him about simple pleasures and the art of baking, making Terra’s throne room a little warmer for as long as their “Golden Bachelor” chapter lasts.