Taskmaster: Primarch Edition

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Title: Taskmaster: Primarch Edition

INT. TASKMASTER STUDIO - DAY

The episode opens with the usual Taskmaster studio set. Greg Davies, the Taskmaster, sits in his throne, while Alex Horne, his trusty assistant, stands beside him with a clipboard, grinning mischievously. There’s a sense of anticipation as the camera cuts to the contestants seated on the couch: three Warhammer 40,000 Primarchs and two American comedians. The difference in stature is glaring—Angron, Rogal Dorn, and Konrad Curze tower over the others, while Sarah Silverman and Pete Holmes look hilariously out of place.

GREG DAVIES
(laughing)
Well, this should be a calm and civilized episode. Let’s meet our contestants, shall we?

Cut to the contestants:

  • Angron: The massive, bloodthirsty Primarch of the World Eaters, fidgeting with fury, his face twisted in a perpetual scowl.

  • Rogal Dorn: The stoic and serious Primarch of the Imperial Fists, sitting upright and radiating authority, completely unamused.

  • Konrad Curze: The eerie and brooding Primarch of the Night Lords, draped in darkness, barely acknowledging the others.

  • Sarah Silverman: Smiling and relaxed, clearly finding the entire situation amusing.

  • Pete Holmes: His usual goofy, high-energy self, looking up at the Primarchs in awe.

GREG DAVIES
(smirking)
Five contestants today, two of which are normal human beings, and three of which are galaxy-destroying demigods. What could go wrong?

ALEX HORNE
(nods, deadpan)
I have a good feeling about this, Greg.

TASK ONE: "Build the Tallest Tower Using Only Marshmallows and Spaghetti"

INT. TASKMASTER GARDEN - DAY

The contestants are gathered in the garden, where a table is set up with bags of marshmallows and packs of spaghetti. The task brief sits in front of them. They open the envelope, and Alex reads aloud.

ALEX HORNE
Build the tallest tower using only marshmallows and spaghetti. You have ten minutes. Your time starts... now!

Chaos ensues:

  • Angron immediately crushes a bag of marshmallows in his fist, his rage already flaring.

ANGRON
(snapping)
This is pointless! Give me something to fight!

  • Rogal Dorn approaches the task with military precision, carefully assembling a structure with laser focus. His tower is simple, but stable.

ROGAL DORN
(grimly)
Fortifications must be built with care, even if they are made of marshmallow.

  • Konrad Curze is not interested in the task at all. He sits in the corner, watching everyone with unsettling intensity, occasionally muttering something about inevitable doom.

KONRAD CURZE
(whispering)
Marshmallows... they will all melt in the end. All of it will burn.

  • Sarah Silverman and Pete Holmes are having a blast. Sarah is goofing around, building a marshmallow man instead of a tower, while Pete attempts a towering, wobbly structure, all the while giggling at how absurd the situation is.

PETE HOLMES
(laughing)
You know, this feels like a kindergarten class, but with more doom vibes.

INT. TASKMASTER STUDIO - LATER

Back in the studio, Greg watches the footage with glee.

GREG DAVIES
(laughing)
Let’s break it down. Angron, you… well, destroyed the marshmallows immediately. Zero points.

ANGRON
(snaps)
I was holding back!

GREG DAVIES
(smirking)
Konrad Curze, you built absolutely nothing, and you terrified everyone. Also zero points.

KONRAD CURZE
(coldly)
Nothing matters in the end, Greg.

GREG DAVIES
(staring)
Right. Pete Holmes, your tower collapsed after about three seconds, but at least you tried. Two points.

PETE HOLMES
(beaming)
Hey, I’ll take it!

GREG DAVIES
Sarah Silverman, I don’t know what you were doing, but I liked the marshmallow man. Three points for creativity.

SARAH SILVERMAN
(grinning)
I’m here to entertain, not to win.

GREG DAVIES
Rogal Dorn, the only one who actually built something resembling a tower. Five points to the ever-reliable fortress builder.

ROGAL DORN
(nods seriously)
The task was simple. I did what was necessary.

TASK TWO: "Make the Taskmaster Laugh"

INT. TASKMASTER LIVING ROOM - DAY

The contestants are now in the Taskmaster house. This time, they have one minute to make Greg Davies laugh. Angron, Dorn, Curze, Silverman, and Holmes are all up for the challenge.

ALEX HORNE
You have one minute to make Greg laugh. Your time starts now!

  • Angron looms over Greg, roaring with anger, smashing a nearby table. It’s clearly not funny to anyone except Angron.

ANGRON
(angrily)
LAUGH, TASKMASTER!

Greg raises an eyebrow, completely unfazed.

GREG DAVIES
(flatly)
No.

  • Rogal Dorn attempts something far more formal. He stands straight and quotes one of his fortification speeches from the Great Crusade.

ROGAL DORN
(stoic)
"A fortress is only as strong as the conviction of its builder." Ahem.

Greg yawns. Zero laughter.

  • Konrad Curze simply stares at Greg, unblinking, for the entire minute, muttering something dark about fate. The atmosphere grows cold, but Greg doesn’t laugh—he just looks uncomfortable.

KONRAD CURZE
(whispering)
You will all die.

  • Sarah Silverman immediately jumps in with a stand-up routine about the absurdity of being surrounded by space warriors.

SARAH SILVERMAN
(grinning)
So I’m here, standing next to a giant rage machine and a guy who’s basically Batman, but without the cool gadgets. What’s going on?

Greg starts chuckling.

  • Pete Holmes then goes full Pete Holmes mode, flailing his arms and doing exaggerated impressions of the Primarchs.

PETE HOLMES
(giggling)
"I’m Rogal Dorn, I build walls! I’m Angron, I break walls! And I’m Curze, and I’ll just brood in a corner, thanks!"

Greg bursts into laughter.

INT. TASKMASTER STUDIO - LATER

Back in the studio, Greg wipes away tears of laughter.

GREG DAVIES
Angron, Dorn, and Curze, not even close. Pete Holmes, five points for making me laugh the hardest. Sarah, four points, because you got me chuckling. The Primarchs… well, maybe next time.

ANGRON
(scowling)
This is a farce.

TASK THREE: "Identify the Real Alpharius"

INT. TASKMASTER GARDEN - DAY

In the final task, five identical men dressed as Alpharius stand in front of the contestants. The task is simple: identify the real Alpharius.

ALEX HORNE
You must find the real Alpharius. You have five minutes. Your time starts… now!

  • Angron growls, clearly frustrated by the task, and simply charges at the line of Alphariuses, knocking one of them over. Unfortunately, not the right one.

ANGRON
(snaps)
They all look the same!

  • Rogal Dorn takes a tactical approach, questioning each one methodically. It’s a solid strategy, but Alpharius is tricky.

ROGAL DORN
(serious)
Tell me your battle plans. Only the true Alpharius would know.

  • Konrad Curze just watches from the shadows, whispering ominously about betrayal and lies.

KONRAD CURZE
(hissing)
None of them are real.

  • Sarah Silverman and Pete Holmes just start guessing wildly, laughing at how confusing the whole thing is.

PETE HOLMES
Are you Alpharius? No? You? Still no? Okay, how about… you?

INT. TASKMASTER STUDIO - FINAL SCORE

Back in the studio, Greg is beaming.

GREG DAVIES
And the winner is… Pete Holmes, by sheer enthusiasm and a bit of luck! Five points to Pete!

CLOSING SHOT - STUDIO

The camera zooms out as the contestants sit in varying states of confusion, frustration, and amusement.

GREG DAVIES
Well, that’s the end of this bizarre and wonderful episode of Taskmaster. Tune in next time for more chaos, more demigods, and more ridiculous tasks!

ALEX HORNE
(smiling)
Thank you, everyone.

ANGRON
(still angry)
I demand real combat next time!

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