Reno 911: Primarchs on Patrol

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Title: Reno 911: Primarchs on Patrol

EXT. RENO POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY

The camera zooms in shakily on the familiar sight of the Reno Sheriff’s Department, where the everyday ridiculousness of Reno’s finest is about to collide with the grim darkness of the far future. A new “special task force” has arrived in Reno, and it’s bigger, scarier, and much more... armored than the department was expecting.

INT. RENO POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRIEFING ROOM

LIEUTENANT JIM DANGLE stands at the front of the room, wearing his usual short shorts, nervously adjusting his mustache as the camera zooms in on him. Sitting around him are the usual suspects: TRAVIS JUNIOR, CLEMMY, JONES, WEIGEL, and GARCIA. But towering over everyone are three imposing figures—the Primarchs, standing in full power armor, each taking up most of the space and looking completely out of place.

  • ROGAL DORN: Stoic and rigid, his yellow armor gleaming.

  • FULGRIM: Elegant, yet flamboyant, his armor impossibly intricate, and hair flowing like a model in a shampoo commercial.

  • ANGRON: Already seething, red armor scratched and battle-worn, fists clenched and eyes twitching.

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (clearing his throat nervously) Alright, team, so uh... as you can see, we have some new... recruits. These, uh... gentlemen are from the... far future, I guess? They’re here on... some kind of interdimensional exchange program? Anyway, this is Rogal Dorn, Fulgrim, and... Angron.

The Primarchs barely react, though Fulgrim looks mildly amused. Angron, on the other hand, looks like he’s about to explode.

DANGLE (awkwardly) Now, they’re here to help with some of the more... difficult cases we’ve been dealing with in Reno. And, uh, we’re all going to be working together as one big, happy, intergalactic team, okay?

TRAVIS JUNIOR (leaning back in his chair) Lieutenant, I don’t think I’m prepared to be “intergalactic.” I barely made it through high school.

CLEMENTINE "CLEMMY" JOHNSON (squinting at Fulgrim) Is this guy wearing lip gloss?

FULGRIM (smirking) Beauty is a weapon, dear.

TRAVIS JUNIOR (nods) Damn straight.

ANGRON (gritting his teeth) Are we here to talk, or are we here to kill something?

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (eyes widening) Oh no no no, we don’t kill people here! Not in Reno! We arrest them, sometimes, or... well, we mostly just let them go after a stern talking-to.

ANGRON (angrily) Pathetic.

DANGLE (clears his throat nervously) Right! So let’s just go on our first patrol, shall we? Rogal, you’re with me. Fulgrim, uh... maybe go with Clemmy and Junior. Angron, you’re with Garcia and Weigel.

Angron growls. Garcia and Weigel share a terrified glance.

GARCIA (quietly) We’re gonna die.

EXT. RENO STREETS - DAY

PATROL 1: DANGLE AND ROGAL DORN

Dangle and Dorn are driving through the streets of Reno in Dangle’s tiny police cruiser. Dorn is crammed into the passenger seat, his massive power armor barely fitting in the car. His expression is stern and unmoved.

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (trying to make conversation) So... Dorn, you’re like, the guy who builds stuff, right? You must be good with your hands. I once built a birdhouse out of popsicle sticks. Took me three weeks.

ROGAL DORN (flatly) I build fortresses that defend entire worlds. Not... birdhouses.

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (nodding) Well, that’s probably a good skill to have in Reno. I mean, you’ve seen the state of the casinos, right? Those things are barely standing.

Dorn says nothing, staring grimly out the window as they pass a pawn shop. Suddenly, the police radio crackles to life.

DISPATCH (V.O.) All units, we have a report of vandalism at the Golden Nugget. Repeat, vandalism at the Golden Nugget.

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (perking up) Vandalism! That’s right up our alley! Let’s roll!

PATROL 2: CLEMMY, JUNIOR, AND FULGRIM

Clemmy and Junior are in their patrol car with Fulgrim in the backseat, lounging gracefully. Clemmy is constantly glancing at him in the rearview mirror, clearly impressed by his glamorous appearance.

CLEMMY (grinning) So, Fulgrim... You single? I mean, I’m not sayin’ I’m lookin’, but you know... if you’re interested...

FULGRIM (raising an eyebrow, smirking) I don’t restrict myself to mere monogamy, darling. My beauty transcends such petty limitations.

TRAVIS JUNIOR (nods in agreement) Yeah, I like to keep my options open too.

Suddenly, they spot a naked man running down the street, waving his arms and screaming.

CLEMMY (sighs) Oh lord, another one.

FULGRIM (looking mildly disgusted) Such... imperfection.

Clemmy screeches the car to a halt, and they all get out. Junior pulls out his taser, and Fulgrim just watches with a mixture of boredom and disdain.

TRAVIS JUNIOR (to Fulgrim) You wanna... help out here, big guy?

FULGRIM (gesturing dismissively) I do not sully myself with such lowly tasks. You handle it.

Clemmy tackles the naked man, grinning as she slaps the cuffs on him.

PATROL 3: ANGRON, GARCIA, AND WEIGEL

Meanwhile, Garcia and Weigel are stuck with Angron in their patrol car. The tension is palpable. Angron is glaring out the window, fists clenched so tight they’re practically shaking.

GARCIA (whispering to Weigel) Do not say anything to piss him off.

WEIGEL (innocently) But what if I wanna ask him about his childhood? He seems like he’s got... issues.

ANGRON (snapping) Do you want me to tear your head off?!

WEIGEL (sighs) I just wanted to help.

As they drive past a convenience store, they see two men having a fistfight out front. Angron’s eyes light up with an insane fury.

ANGRON (exploding with rage) FINALLY!

He rips the door off the car as he charges out. Garcia and Weigel exchange horrified glances as they scramble to follow.

Angron grabs the two men, smashing them together like action figures. The fight is over in seconds, but Angron keeps roaring, looking around for more carnage.

GARCIA (trying to keep his cool) Alright, big guy... That’s enough! We’re gonna, uh... write these guys a ticket now, right?

Angron glares at him, nostrils flaring.

INT. RENO POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRIEFING ROOM - LATER

The three patrols return to the station, looking shell-shocked. Dangle is trying to calm down Dorn, who has somehow ended up building a small fortification out of office chairs and desks. Clemmy is still flirting with Fulgrim, who is posing by a mirror. Angron is pacing like a caged animal while Garcia and Weigel hide behind their desks.

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (sighing) Alright, let’s debrief. How did our new recruits do on their first day?

TRAVIS JUNIOR (clearly annoyed) Well, Fulgrim just let us do all the work while he... moisturized or something.

CLEMMY (grinning) I don’t mind. He can just stand there and look pretty all day.

GARCIA (whispering to Weigel) We almost died.

WEIGEL (innocently) It was kind of exciting.

ROGAL DORN (firmly) Your city is weak. Its defenses are nonexistent. I will remain here until it is secure.

LIEUTENANT DANGLE (smiling weakly) Great. Just what we needed... a fortress.

ANGRON (roaring) WHERE IS THE NEXT BATTLE?! I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING!

NIÈCY NASH (V.O.) (off-screen) Sometimes even Reno needs a little help, but these primarchs? They might just be more than we bargained for.

END.

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