Occupational Safety and Hazard Administration in Space
Title: Occupational Safety and Hazard Administration in Space
The episode begins with the iconic Arrested Development narration as the camera pans across the Death Star's ominous exterior.
Narrator: “This is the Death Star. A $452 quadrillion dollar project with no handrails, questionable reactor shielding, and an alarmingly high rate of worker fatalities. It was also about to fail its first OSHA inspection.”
Scene 1: The Arrival
Two OSHA inspectors, Kelsey and Ron, stand awkwardly in the hangar bay. Kelsey adjusts her clipboard as a Stormtrooper stumbles past carrying a scorch mark on his helmet.
Kelsey: “So… this is the Death Star?”
Ron: (eyeing the gaping chasm near the hangar’s edge) “It’s definitely big. And OSHA’s worst nightmare.”
A TIE Fighter pilot rushes by, dodging a forklift driven recklessly by a Gonk droid.
Kelsey: “Did that droid just give me the finger?”
Narrator: “It did.”
Scene 2: The Tour
Grand Moff Tarkin strides confidently through the Death Star’s corridors with the inspectors in tow. Behind them, a pair of officers try—and fail—to seal a sparking panel on a bulkhead.
Kelsey: “Okay, so let’s talk handrails. Specifically, why don’t you have any?”
Tarkin: (smugly) “We find them… unnecessary.”
Ron: (writing furiously) “Unnecessary? What happens if someone falls into, I don’t know, a giant pit?”
Tarkin: “They’re disciplined.”
Narrator: “They weren’t.”
They pass a group of engineers desperately trying to push a malfunctioning droid out of an airlock.
Kelsey: “Is that… standard procedure?”
Tarkin: “It’s standard until the inspectors leave.”
Scene 3: The Reactor Core
The inspectors stand at the edge of the infamous reactor shaft, looking down into the abyss. A lone technician balances precariously on a narrow catwalk to adjust a dangerously sparking console.
Ron: (pointing) “You see that? That’s exactly what we’re talking about. That guy needs a harness, a safety line—literally anything.”
Tarkin: (unbothered) “He’s fine. We’ve had… remarkably few incidents.”
Narrator: “They hadn’t.”
An explosion rocks the station. A passing officer mutters something about Rebel fighters breaching the outer defenses.
Kelsey: “What was that?”
Tarkin: (smiling stiffly) “A minor inconvenience. Now, about this inspection—”
Scene 4: The Cafeteria
The group stops in the bustling cafeteria, where Stormtroopers wait in line for questionable-looking food.
Ron: “Do you see the expiration dates on those ration packets?”
Kelsey: “2010? How is that even possible? It’s a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away!”
Stormtroopers glance uncomfortably at each other and their trays.
A loudspeaker blares: “Rebel fighters have entered the trench!”
Ron: “Uh… should we be worried about that?”
Tarkin: “Not at all. Our defenses are… quite operational.”
Narrator: “They weren’t.”
Scene 5: The Inspection Wrap-Up
Kelsey and Ron sit in a conference room, tallying violations on an increasingly crumpled clipboard.
Kelsey: “Okay, let’s recap: no handrails, inadequate ventilation, toxic chemicals near open flames, questionable droid programming, and zero emergency evacuation protocols. This place is a death trap.”
Ron: “Ironically named, then.”
Tarkin storms in, visibly irritated.
Tarkin: “If you’re finished, I’d like you to know that we will not tolerate your… bureaucracy interfering with our operations.”
A loud BOOM shakes the station, followed by panicked chatter over the intercom.
Voice Over Intercom: “We’ve lost the thermal exhaust port!”
Kelsey: “The what?”
Final Scene: The Explosion
The inspectors sprint through the corridors as chaos erupts around them. Stormtroopers scatter, alarms wail, and the Death Star begins to shake violently.
Ron: (panting) “This is NOT OSHA-compliant!”
Kelsey flips through her clipboard as they dodge falling debris.
Kelsey: “Forget the report! Let’s just—”
The screen flashes white as the Death Star explodes.
Epilogue:
The screen cuts to black, followed by the familiar Arrested Development narration.
Narrator: “The Death Star was destroyed that day, along with every violation OSHA found—and thousands they didn’t. As for Kelsey and Ron…”
Cut to the two sitting at a spaceport bar, soot-covered but alive.
Kelsey: (sipping her drink) “You think they’ll bill us for that?”
Narrator: “They would.”
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